Ok - so it seems it's been a long time since I've had something to say about anything. I say "seems like" because it's not actually true, it's just sometimes I bury myself so deep in thought that I literally get a form of brain constipation. Others might call it writer's block - but I think I don't write because sometimes the threads run a little too far beneath the surface.
What I've decided to try and do is just to write anyway, in the understanding that - naturally - not everything that comes out is going to be gold, not everything that comes out will be interesting - but at least it will be out. This post is a good example. It's not a work of genius but all of it probably does need to be said.
The biggest problem with public blogging is the "public" element. I've reinvigorated my private diary as well - which gives me space where I can air my views about my nearest and dearest without fear of reprisals. I've also thought about having a completely public candid blog and just not telling anyone about it, but there's always some danger there that one day you'll be caught out, then the fact that you've been bonking the hot Spanish cleaner over the boss's desk suddenly comes out and you're in big, big trouble.
Therefore this blog is more of a thoughts and insights blog rather than a full display of my innermost. To be honest - for a full display of my innermost a couple of glasses of pinot grigio down the pub on a Friday night and it's basically up for grabs in any case. I am not a particularly private person when all's said and done - and what I keep private I do because of the discomfort that oversharing causes others, and not because of the discomfort it causes me personally. Most of what I've learned in my life has been through conversations with equally candid people, and though I haven't always walked away from them feeling like I've learned something positive, I always feel like I know something about the human condition.
Oversharing is a menace - and I've seen it undo the very best of us. Prime example - when I met an ex boyfriend's work friends at a Christmas party I found out how much they knew about my sex life through conversations they had had with said ex boyfriend. I couldn't be mad at him though - I had always been equally candid, but when I realised that activities I had engaged in were not so much a matter for people to consider in an "isn't the nature of human sexuality fascinating" way, as in an "OMG, you did WHAT? That's fucking DISGUSTING" kind of way.
I'm not about to write a list here of all the things I've done with boys, but suffice to say I don't regret any of it. In fact I enjoyed most of it - and the rest of it was at the very least interesting.
So anyway, after that (and a couple of similar sorts of misadventures) I finally stopped being candid about that sort of thing and reserved it just for my private diary which I think perhaps 3 other humans worldwide can see. Clearly, the world is not yet ready to discuss the ins and outs of sex in a frank and honest way. I think the majority of people literally just don't want to know - which I suppose is fair - I don't watch horror movies because I have no desire to see intestines all over the place, and I think some people avoid sexuality for the same reason - out of a sense of discomfort, and a general overall feeling that some things were meant to be kept private.
I honestly don't know when this post became a rant about sexuality - but apparently it has.
I might wait a little longer before going back to putting this blog on Facebook. I haven't updated it since May 2011 so I'd be surprised if anyone looks at it, but I have felt a little better since I started to clear things out a bit. I guess there's a reason that therapists tell patients to keep a diary.
Not that I'm crazy, or anything.
J
xx
