Walking in a Woolly Wonderland

My inner child died just a little bit when I realised I wanted one of these. Now admittedly I am going to end up looking like an old granny if my clothing taste keeps up this way, but that's a risk I'm prepared to take as long as my girlish flesh can be cushioned by this woolly piece of sweetness. I had a feel when I was in Debenhams in Ipswich, and it was wonderfully soft and amazingly not itchy like so many winter woollies turn out to be.

Problem is it does kind of scream grandma, or "first time mother still trying to hide her after-birthing paunch". Also it's one of those horrendously pretentious garments where you're likely to spend 50% of your time throwing the loose part over your left shoulder with your right hand. But it's only £25 and if you think about the amount of money I could theoretically save on heating by wearing this bad boy, I could theoretically be rolling in it by New Years'.

This will require more thought. And more colours. Not a big fan of beige.

When Genius Becomes Madness

Not at all impressed with this new "Genius" function on iTunes. After waiting about 20 minutes for it to set itself up, I gave it a trial run by playing a few songs on my playlist. Not only does it not update when my playlist moves from song to song, but when the Backstreet Boys came on (yes, I am a 24 year old woman who still frequently plays BSB AND knows all the words to 'Everybody' – get over it) iTunes had the bizarre notion to suggest... O Town.

Now, some of you will remember a reality TV show from the early days of reality TV called Making the Band. Think of it as the American version of Pop Band – the show that predated Pop Idol, and The X Factor. If you remember all this then hopefully you'll also remember one of the most God awful pieces of hilarity that ever hit the Top 10, which was a song named "Liquid Dreams", which was, unfortunately, exactly as bad in content as it sounds.

Let me give you an excerpt.

Now this hot girl, she's not your average girl
She's a morpharotic dream from a magazine
And she's so fine designed to blow your mind
She's a dominatrix supermodel beauty queen

I dream about a girl who's a mix of Destiny's Child
Just a little touch Madonna's wild style
With Janet Jackson's smile, throw in a body like Jennifers'
You've got the star of my liquid dream

Let's skip the fact that this song is pretty insulting to the average woman who, let's face it, doesn't like being broken down into a selection of body parts donated by various models, actresses and TV personalities, and go straight to the really gross part, which is the fact that this is a song about WET DREAMS. Someone please explain to me WHO thought that writing this was a good idea? Firstly, songs that talk about sex in anything other than extremely vague euphemisms are always tasteless and not at all provocative, a good example of this being "Insatiable" by Darren Hayes, which was actually quite good owing to being as non-specific as possible. Songs like "I Want to Sex You Up" and that decidedly bizarre "I want to fuck you like an animal" song by Nine Inch Nails are just tasteless and vulgar.

Anyway, I digress. Songs about wet dreams are gross. The band last about 2 years in which they had about 3 hit singles. They were all ugly and didn't dance that well.

Genius? Bollocks, I say.

Just... no.

Now as much as I like to think of myself as a 21st Century woman with a desire for all things equal 'twixt the sexes, I have to say that male sex toys may in fact be the most tasteless things in existance.

I wish there was some nice way of putting it, but there just isn't. Given that they have the tasteful nickname of "wank sleeves", it's hardly a surprise that even the sound of it makes me wrinkle up my nose.

It's all a bit tragic really because I don't consider myself to be against sex toys for ladies since I was introduced to them a few years ago. If someone said to me, "but doesn't it make you feel guilty, it is another penis after all?" I'd just laugh and say, God NO. A dildo is nothing like a penis; it doesn't feel the same, masturbation is nothing like sex, and no matter how overactive your imagination may be, it's nigh on impossible to use a dildo and somehow believe a full red blooded male is fixing those leaky pipes.

And yet for some reason, looking at those dreadful plastic sleeves, the weird things that look like torches, and all that other junk, I just think it's all kind of sick. Is that just because when a man puts his cock INSIDE you, it's a different situation from having something PUT inside you? I guess I would take my boyfriend wanting something that felt like someone else's vagina quite badly, particularly if I was actually there. Mr. Sex of Todger Talk - this bizarre sex blog I read because Google suggested it to me for some reason - comments that these "toys", or masturbatory aids, or whatever you want to call them can be used during sex play, but I cannot see the benefit. If I wanted a hand job from my boyfriend, I would be understandably disappointed if he whipped out a plastic bobbly sheath that was meant to be more stimulating. I can't help but think the feel of good old human flesh on human flesh is becoming sadly underrated if manufacturers think this is the way forward.

Of course I'm not answering here what might appear to be the gaping issue; the omnipresent dual-standards issue. I don't really know how to explain other that to say that I think men poking their penises in little plastic sheaths to get their jollies is "yicky". Then again, maybe women using latex knobs to get theirs is equally vulgar. Then again, it sometimes feels like if you're NOT one of these modern ladies who keeps something vibratable in her sock drawer, then you're not making the most of the freedom fought for so long and hard by our foremothers.

Let's, on this occasion, chalk it up in the column marked "Personal Choice". From a personal perspective though? Wank sleeves is a big, big no.

J.